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2013 IN REVIEW: My Top 15 Worst Films of the Year

February 8, 2014 1 comment
This isn't on this list, you jerks.

Surprise! This isn’t on this list, you jerks.

I ended up seeing a lot of movies in 2013 – more than I had expected. So many, in fact, that when I was attempting to assemble a list of the Top 10 Worst Films of the Year, I managed to assemble a list of 15 candidates that I honestly felt were all very worthy of being placed here on the list. And so I saw fit to revise my previous plans and expand the list from 10… to 15!

Below are some of the worst things that Hollywood produced and released in the year 2013. Obviously, I didn’t see every movie in 2013, and so I couldn’t include some very likely candidates, like The Smurfs 2 or Battle of the Year, or the two rival horror movie spoofs A Haunted House and Scary Movie V. I can only take so much, so that’s why I call this list MY list.

Some of these are almost lengthy enough to be reviews, I admit. I got fairly passionate about the awfulness of some of the movies more than others. Some of the material, I admit, may find itself into an official, separate, and expanded review, as well, just so I can avoid the need to talk about it that much more if I do ever get around to reviewing the actual film. For a couple of them I already did review, and so you’ll see links attached to the titles.

For now, however, these are just considered summaries, ranking from least worst to worst worst. These represent the most boring, lazy, stupid, inept, and awful movies I saw this past year, and so all I can say is that I’m happy I made it out alive to warn you against seeing them. There were too many fun, enjoyable, and awesome movies released in 2013 for too many of us to spend our hard earned money on these films without at least wanting to see a bad movie. So… yeah. You’re welcome. Read more…

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Independence Day Review: “Live Free or Die Hard”

Live Free or Die HardDirected by: Len Wiseman
Produced by: Michael Fottrel
Written by: Mark Bomback (screenplay and story), David Marconi (story)
Edited by: Nicolas De Toth
Cinematography by: Simon Duggan
Music by: Marco Beltrami
Starring: Bruce Willis, Justin Long, Timothy Olyphant, Cliff Curtis, Maggie Q, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Jonathan Sadowski, Kevin Smith
Based on the Wired article “A Farewell to Arms” by John Carlin
Year: 2007

 

People understandably lament the quick devolution that John McClane has undergone over the course of the four movies that have followed the original. The quick-witted everyman cop trying to win back his wife has become more known for performing ridiculous stunts and frequently being in the wrong place at the wrong time and yet just the right man for the job. The issue was already apparent in the incredibly dull Die Hard 2, and by the third film, the coincidences of his involvement become too glaring to ignore unless you suspend your disbelief and pretend like this is something that regular cops have to deal with every now and then in the Die Hard world. (Considering the ties that were later made to the TV series Chuck, I wouldn’t put it past them on that point, though.)
Read more…

Christmas Movie Month 2012 Commences!

December 2, 2012 1 comment

The Nightmare Before Chriastmas - What's This

It’s that time of year again. 2012 has nearly gone, and yet it always seems like there’s even more to do this time of year than any other time of year, what with Thanksgiving leading into Christmas and then into the New Year. I spent last week with my family for Thanksgiving, as well as my mom’s birthday soon after, and so I didn’t really get around to getting my Miracle on 34th Street review out around the time that I intended, so I basically considered it an unofficial start to my second Christmas Movie Month. It’s mere coincidence that my mom wanted to go see Rise of the Guardians, which features Santa, but isn’t necessarily about Christmas, so that was kind of a happy accident. Now, however, I’m switching gears fully into Christmas mode, once again!

In case you missed any of my reviews from last year, here’s a quick rundown of films that I reviewed for Christmas 2011:

Elf
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

The Polar Express
Meet Me in St. Louis
Die Hard
Scrooged
, A Muppet Christmas Carol, and Disney’s A Christmas Carol in an ill advised Grudge Match Review that I came to despise doing – Part 1 & Part 2
Joyeux Noël

For this year, I plan to stay on task a bit more, and I’ve already got several reviews planned! Let’s also not forget that the aforementioned Miracle on 34th Street pulls double-duty as both a Thanksgiving and Christmas film! I also promised last year that I would review Eight Crazy Nights for those of you who celebrate Hanukkah, but the film disappeared around that time from Netflix, and I wasn’t about to use up a Blockbuster movie exchange. This year? … Maybe. But I’m not making any promises. That movie was pretty awful… Anyway, aside from maybe a few incidental theatrical reviews and one “special” review that I’m planning on writing at the end of this week (hint: it’s all about the supposed oncoming of the end of the world, and I’m not about to watch that movie or write that review without a few drinks to help me along), you can pretty much just expect Christmas movies until that day comes!

Until then, just in case I don’t get around to that awful Adam Sandler Hanukkah movie, please enjoy this classic Saturday Night Live animated music video instead, “Christmas for the Jews”:

Review: “Die Hard”, and a 51st post “Thank you!”

December 14, 2011 15 comments
Directed by: John McTiernan
Produced by: Lawrence Gordon, Joel Silver, Beau Marks (associate) Charles Gordon (executive)
Written by: Steven E. de Souza & Jeb Stuart (screenplay)
Starring: Bruce Willis, Alan Rickman, Bonnie Bedelia, Reginald VelJohnson, Alexander Godunov
Music by: Michael Kamen
Based on the novel Nothing Lasts Forever by Roderick Thorp
Year: 1988

You wouldn’t know it today, but Bruce Willis wasn’t known for action roles back in 1988. Having spent most of his career up to that point being known for the dramedy detective series Moonlighting, where he played a wisecracking detective opposite Cybill Shepherd, Willis wasn’t necessarily the most obvious choice for the role of John McClane, despite the character sounding fairly similar as a wisecracking police officer from New York. It doesn’t seem like much of a stretch to modern viewers unfamiliar with the era, but when you consider the fact that the show featured a largely romantic story between two co-workers, putting the actor into a film like Die Hard, which, by the way, released only a year after his starring role debut in the romantic comedy Blind Date, maybe it makes more sense why people may have been a bit more skeptical. Read more…

Christmastime is here! Watch “Santa Clause Conquers the Martians”… MST3K Style!

December 1, 2011 Leave a comment

It’s officially after Thanksgiving and, therefore, it is officially time to start thinking about Christmas movies here at The Viewer’s Commentary! As with Scary Movie Month in October, I will be making my primary focus this December on Christmas movies! And, even though I’m not Jewish, I’ll even try to find a few good Hanukkah films, too! (And I’ll try to make sure that the only Hanukkah film I find isn’t just Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights, which is all I could really find at the local Blockbuster, I promise!)

I broke a few promises with my Scary Movie Month line up due to time issues and a detour thanks to the response to my review of Nightmare on Elm Street, but I’ll try not to do that this time around. There are far more diverse movies in this category than the horror category, and I’m certain that everyone will find something to enjoy this month, including myself! Some reviews to look forward to are National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, The Polar Express, ElfMeet Me in St. Louis, and, of course, the holiday classic… Die Hard!

Of course, I’ll try to make sure to throw in a few more surprises and classics, too! I’ll even try to throw in a few features here and there to keep you interested. My Top 10 Favorite Christmas Movies, anyone? I’m way more excited about this than I was Scary Movie Month, as Christmas is seriously my favorite holiday of the year. I’m like a freaking little kid when it comes to this holiday, and it’s not just the presents, either. (I get presents on Halloween, too, since it’s also my birthday, so I’m totally unbiased in that regard.) I love the sense of togetherness, family, and giving, and, of course, it’s also a time for us Christians to remember Christ’s birth, even though it totally wasn’t originally for that purpose, as we Christians just usurped a pagan holiday… but let’s not get into that now, eh?

In the meantime, as I make preparations to deliver my Christmas cheer, why don’t you celebrate Christmas the same way we kicked off Halloween by watching an embedded movie, right here on my site? This one’s a public domain classic! However, it’s all for unintentional reasons, as Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is about as bad as it sounds! Like fruitcake, it’s probably best to serve it up with a heavy side of libations, here taking on the form of the comedic commentary of Joel Hodgson, Tom Servo, Crow T. Robot, and the rest of the gang from Mystery Science Theater 3000! Hurry, though! I don’t know how long this video — not posted by me! — will actually be up!

Santa isn't afraid because he doesn't really believe in aliens.

Part I

Part II

Part III

 

Part IV

Part V

UPDATE: Turns out, Eight Crazy Nights might actually be the only Hanukkah film out there! Seriously, do a search for “Hanukkah movies” and this very post on The Viewer’s Commentary is on the first page as of right now, and this post is only a couple hours old! What gives, Hollywood? There are so many Jews involved in the entertainment business, you’d think a few more than just one Hanukkah movie would exist, right? Oh well… Looks like I’m already breaking promises. Guess I’ll be getting coal this year.

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